PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
operation have a gay friend backfired
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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