You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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