my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
