Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
