i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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