how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
