did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
