I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
he shaved USA in his pubs
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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