Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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