I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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