3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize