I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
