Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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