and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
