Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
