If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
