I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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