I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
