There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
