If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
