$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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