Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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