I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
