I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
