peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
