We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
