none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
