sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
