12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
