he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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