you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
