When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
