I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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