just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
