I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
