Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
