my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize