FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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