you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize