i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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