THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
