so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
