When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
