I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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