Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
