I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
