his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
