I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
