1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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