My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I miss vodka workout Fridays
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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