what day is it and did you see me today?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
