i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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