I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
