I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
