very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
