I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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