Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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