am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Let's get the cat blown out
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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