I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize